Writing and marriage (and parenting)

One of the things I have learned about writing is that in order to write a book, you have to write. Sounds obvious, but not necessarily. The hardest part of writing really is writing. A friend of mine who encouraged me early on to write would always say, “Don’t try to do it right, just write.” “There’s no right way and wrong way when you’re beginning, just write.” At first I thought she was a little goofy. I was expecting a magical formula, a long list of do’s and don’ts. I thought that in order to be an author you had to have almost flawless grammar (I do not), know how to construct flowing sentences (I don’t), etc., etc. It took me a while to accept the fact that the most important thing is to just write. You learn through the process and the experience. I still make grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes and I'm often amazed at how stupid what I just put down really is. But... I keep writing.

After you start the process and build a little confidence there’s those obnoxious voices who always chatter in the back of your mind, “This is the worst example of writing I have ever seen.” “Face it, you are not a writer.” “You don’t have what it takes.” “Your writing is not relevant. Your ideas are two decades old.”  I have heard those voices in real life. But the ghost voices seem to keep showing up standing in my mind like soldiers, protecting the universe against, you- the world’s most pathetic author.

The fact is, I have learned, you will never become a successful writer if you wait until you are good enough or when no one criticizes your efforts.  The thing to do is just write the best you can.

By the way, I wish you could see this sunset. It’s lighting the entire sky on fire outside my window seat, 39,000 feet above the ground.  Streaks of orange and crimson layer across the horizon sandwiched between two seas of ocean blue and cobalt grays. It’s unlike anything I recall seeing. God is such a gorgeous designer.  He really is into ambiance. What a great backdrop to do a little writing, even a little bad writing.

Writers must write. Even while flying. But, there’s this irritating voice within and without, from so called experts who tell you that you have to be inspired before you can write good material- that the “spirit has to move you.” In their minds, its mandatory to   be in a remote place with beautiful scenery with calm voices empowering your creativity (like now, except for the man who keeps clearing his throat in front of me, while the guy to my right keeps jumping in his sleep).

Many self proclaimed authorities submit that you have to really “be into it” and “you have to feel it to say it.” Well, I don’t know where these people come from, but they don’t come from my neck of the woods. It seems that people like me are compelled to write no matter who they are or who they are not. Maybe it’s a Southern thing. Harper Lee (To Kill a Mockingbird) wrote one book. She hasn’t written another yet. She had something incredible to say, she said it, said it well, and that was that. I like her style.

Successful writers know when to write, and when to shut up. They also know that you have to walk before you run. Write when you feel like it and when you don’t.

I have discovered that I write even when I don’t feel inspired. I believe its like mowing the lawn. I have waited for over 40 years to be inspired to mow the yard. It just hasn’t happened. I do it because somebody has to, my wife makes me or because I get concerned about what the neighbors thinks (here I go again).  Sometimes just putting my mind, body and hands in the right position will get the rest of me moving in the right direction. If I don’t position myself to mow, there will always be something else to do- a leaky faucet, a phone call to make, a problem to solve, a fish to catch, a new fall television debut.

So when I write and do most of what else I do in life, I have to resort to forcing myself to sit down in front of the computer and slip into creative labor to get the thoughts and information walking around in my head. Then maybe, just maybe a worthwhile thought or sentence will be birthed.

When writing about marriage issues, I psych myself up sometimes by imagining a young couple that is waiting in a small room outside of my office. I picture them, young, nervous, embarrassed, scared. They are quite. One’s reading a magazine. The other is looking out the window.  One gets up, walks around. The other sighs real loud because they are annoyed. They are waiting to come in and sit down, desperately hoping that I can help save their marriage or at least make it a little better. They are as real as many I have seen over the years. They just need someone to direct them, give insight or simply say, “You are going to make it.”

Don’t we all?

Visualization like this really does work. But at times I cant seem to get motivated to “go into the room.” I don’t want to deal with their problems. I don’t want to talk to them. I have some of my own. I can’t motivate my “want to.” I just psychologically announce to the couple, with gentle Southern diplomacy of course, “go see somebody else. I’m closed.”

When I do show up in front of my computer or scribble a few words on a McDonalds napkin, I am glad that I did. Something good usually comes out. A bad word put on paper is better than a dead word- a word that dies a slow death because it wasn’t written.

Some writers seem so effortless in their writing. It seems that each time they write, they have this spiritual sort of a “road to Damascus” experience. A bright light seems to shine down encircling them. They kneel in submission with one hand covering their eyes and the other reaching toward the heavens while a Robert Gullet type of voice booms from the clouds. The sainted writer peering over their key boards look like concert pianist sitting down to their Baby grand and then, oh then, music begins to pour out through words.  Their heart opens up and out pours the most inspirational, deep, original thoughts the world has ever know. All this occurs with little effort and absolutely no sweat. Snow-white turtledoves are flying around the ceiling fan and landing on the crown molding. The angels are singing, the whole heavenly package is in place.

To say the least I have never had that kind of experience. Mine is much more like eating grits without salt and butter, very bland. My writing sessions usually involves things like boxer shorts, holy sleep shirts, smelly muscle ointment and cheap cups of coffee.

I read that some of the greatest writers like Hemingway and Faulkner struggled when they wrote. Hemmingway revised his words 100s of times until he found just the right fit. He would agonize for hours over it until he felt good enough to move on.  Faulkner would become almost impossible to be around when writing. He became angry, frustrated and sometimes confrontational. He struggled and worked to produce masterpieces.

Writing really is a great deal like marriage and parenting: you have to make sure your “want to” is working. Even when it isn’t, you still have to show up. And, often, its in those days that you just show up that words, thoughts and good actions show up too. It comes to together. Don't listen to the mindless chatter in your head, get up, show up, do the best you can do and see what God does with it.