Why Fighting All the Time is Not Good and How to Stop It

It is extremely healthy and wise for couples to assess and consider how their actions, attitudes and continuous blaming and bickering is affecting the entire family system. When a marriage turns hostile, husband and wife are not the only ones to suffer- the children do also. In a study conducted by Dr. John Gottman of 63 preschoolers, those being raised in homes where there was great marital hostility had chronically elevated levels of stress hormones compared with the other children studied. Researchers don’t know what the long-term repercussions of this stress will be for their health. But we do know that this biological indication of extreme stress was echoed in their behavior. These kids were followed through age fifteen and was found that, compared with other children their age, these kids suffered far more from truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavioral problems (especially aggression), low achievement at school, and even school behavior. It is clearly harmful to raise kids in a home that is subsumed by hostility between the parents. However, based on further research, divorce has been shown to cause more serious problems and for a longer period of time (Dr. John Gottman Ph.D.; Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, 3 Rivers Press. * See also: Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein’s The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (A 25 Year Landmark study on the effect of divorce on children), Hyperion Pub. Co.).

The bottom line is that prolonged periods of marital blaming, resentment, attacking and even withdrawal hurts not only you and your spouse, it harms the entire family, especially the children. Everyone experiences occasional short-term division, but constant discord and division in marriage renders it less effective to take care of the big problems and challenges in family life. A marriage that has recognized the devastating effects of division and made the decision to stop discord and develop new healthier interactive skills delivers a pay off for each member of the family for generations to come. So, what do you do if there is ongoing division in your marriage?

• Swallow your pride and admit it. Denial only prolongs the pain and allows more division and scaring to occur in the family.
• Be honest enough to evaluate and discuss the effect the division in your marriage is having on your children and even on your own health.
• Realize that you are just as guilty. You are possibly just as much to blame for the discord as your partner. Thumbs make the same type of mistakes as pointer fingers. Save the energy you use on attacking your partner and invest it on dealing with your flaws first. After you have solved and strengthened all your problems and weaknesses you are in a better position to help your partner.
• Reeducate yourself. When division occurs in a marriage, unhealthy attitudes, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors have crept in. Reeducating oneself to what is healthy what is not, what is right what is wrong, what is productive what is not is always advantageous. Read books like Dr. Gottmans’s that teaches couples how to stop the divisive patterns and develop newer productive ones.
• Go back to basics. Seek to reintroduce the early principles of healthy interaction and communication that each of you practiced for the first year or so of your marriage. Do more listening than talking. Apologize more than you blame. Put the other’s needs above your own. Overlook minor irritations. Forgive even when not asked. Stop keeping score. Choose carefully your battles and engage them in a way that you would want to be treated.
• Create the time and environment to heal in. Redevelop enough trust and intimacy back in the marriage that when disagreements and hurts occur you know the other partner enough to know that in their hearts they still want what is best for you. Go out on weekly dates or schedule regular reconnection times. Rediscover each other. Put the gripes, complaints and accusations on hold. Regain strength and health back in the marriage first. Restore unity. A unified marriage can withstand almost any storm.