The Value of Praising Each Other

DON'T JUST ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE, HAVE A PARADE!


> "Until recently, studies largely centered on how romantic partners respond to
> each other's misfortunes and on how couples manage negative emotions such as
> jealousy and anger - an approach in line with psychology's traditional focus
> on alleviating deficits. One key to successful bonds, the studies indicated,
> is believing that your partner will be there for you when things go wrong.
> Then, in 2004, psychologist Shelly L. Gable, currently at the University of
> California, Santa Barbara, and her colleagues found that romantic couples
> share positive events with each other surprisingly often, leading the
> scientists to surmise that a partner's behavior also matters when things are
> going well.


In today's excerpt - happy couples. It turns out that how couples handle
good news may matter even more to their relationship than their ability to
support each other under difficult circumstances:

"Numerous studies show that intimate relationships, such as marriages, are
the single most important source of life satisfaction. Although most couples
enter these relationships with the best of intentions, many break up or stay
together but languish. Yet some do stay happily married and thrive. What is
their secret?

"A few clues emerge from the latest research in the nascent field of
positive psychology. Founded in 1998 by psychologist Martin E. P. Seligman
of the University of Pennsylvania, this discipline includes research into
positive emotions, human strengths and what is meaningful in life. In the
past few years positive psychology researchers have discovered that thriving
couples accentuate the positive in life more than those who stay together
unhappily or split do. They not only cope well during hardship but also
celebrate the happy moments and work to build more bright points into their
lives.

"It turns out that how couples handle good news may matter even more to
their relationship than their ability to support each other under difficult
circumstances. Happy pairs also individually experience a higher ratio of
upbeat emotions to negative ones than people in unsuccessful liasions do.
Certain tactics can boost this ratio and thus help to strengthen connections
with others. Another ingredient for relationship success: cultivating
passion. Learning to become devoted to your significant other in a healthy
way can lead to a more satisfying union.

"Until recently, studies largely centered on how romantic partners respond
to each other's misfortunes and on how couples manage negative emotions such
as jealousy and anger - an approach in line with psychology's traditional
focus on alleviating deficits. One key to successful bonds, the studies
indicated, is believing that your partner will be there for you when things
go wrong. Then, in 2004, psychologist Shelly L. Gable, currently at the
University of California, Santa Barbara, and her colleagues found that
romantic couples share positive events with each other surprisingly often,
leading the scientists to surmise that a partner's behavior also matters
when things are going well.

"In a study published in 2006 Gable and her coworkers videotaped dating men
and women in the laboratory while the subjects took turns discussing a
positive and negative event. After each conversation, members of each pair
rated how 'responded to' - how understood, validated and cared for - they
felt by their partner. Meanwhile observers rated the responses on how
active-constructive (engaged and supportive ) they were - as indicated by
intense listening, positive comments and questions, and the like. Low
ratings reflected a more passive, generic response such as 'That's nice,
honey.' Separately, the couples evaluated their commitment to and
satisfaction with the relationship.

"The researchers found that when a partner proffered a supportive response
to cheerful statements, the 'responded to' ratings were higher than they
were after a sympathetic response to negative news, suggesting that how
partners reply to good news may be a stronger determinant of relationship
health than their reaction to unfortunate incidents. The reason for this
finding, Gable surmises, may be that fixing a problem or dealing with a
disappointment - though important for a relationship - may not make a couple
feel joy, the currency of a happy pairing."

Suzann Pileggi, "The Happy Couple," Scientific American Mind, Jan/Feb 2010,
pp. 34-36.

Article taken from: Smartmarriages Newsletter: To read all past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
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