The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Kids (and the world): A Good Marraige

This is the time of year where we hear "Mom, Dad, I want ________ for Christmas. Those of us are parents are always trying to balance what they want, versus what they need and of course, what we can afford. This year, let me encourage you to think deeper. Think in terms of what research, the Bible and experience tells us, give your kids peace, security and love in the home- they need it. Yes they need to be taught that their security is found first and foremost in Christ, but they need relational security found in marriage in order to develop and function the way God intended for them to.

Sure, its ok to gve them the newest video game or ipod, but think about what you could give them that would impact them, their kids and generations to come. A better, stronger marriage is the gift that keeps on giving.

Here's what I said recently to an audience of parents:

Of all the advice I've given to parents through my 20-plus years as a marriage and family therapist, I think this is the best: The most important thing you can do for your kids is not giving them great advice, administering perfect discipline, or even having the perfect "parade of homes" family. The best thing you can give your kids is the consistent, solid assurance that you love your spouse beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Today's kids live in an ever-changing and insecure world. Sociologists tell us that kids' fears are rapidly increasing, resulting in more behavior problems, depression and anxiety disorders. One of the major fears of school-aged children is that their parents will divorce. Your children need to know that their mom and dad love each other and are committed, permanently, to each other. Let them see you working to make your marriage stronger. It’s so easy to focus on the faults of your spouse. However, your marriage will begin to transform and become strong only when you commit to make it better. Changes in you can precipitate positive change in your spouse and the stability of our marriage.

Even if you are struggling in marriage or its less than perfect (like most of us), let them know you are working on your marraige (especially older kids). Even if you argue behind close doors or you do a great job hiding the tension in your marriage, kids know about it. They detect it quickly. They think about it and worry about it on their pillows at night. But they also pick up on the positive too. When they hear you expressing appreciation for each other, saying I love you, asking how can I help you? or seeing you express affection in the kitchen at dinner time, kids love it. They may make jokes and poke fun if they see you hugging in the hall, but the reality is: they love it. It sends the signal that may parents are not perfect, but they love each other and every thing is going to be ok. It calms thier worried little hearts.

So, instead of us giving our children costly trinkets this year, lets give them what every child really needs. Do whatever it takes to make your marriage thrive: swallow your pride, go to counseling or a marriage seminar, give up a hobby, throw the TV in the dumpster ... whatever stands in the way! Your kids will thank you for years to come.