Forgiveness: What it is, What is not

Forgiveness in Marriage: What it is, What it is not

Couples who learn how to forgive experience the happiness that some people search for all their lives. When I talk to couples that don’t seem to be able to forgive, even after an appropriate time of healing has passed since they were offended, I try to find out why. I start asking questions. As I do, I usually see some lights come on.

1. “Why are you afraid to forgive?”

It’s very common for couples to quickly answer this question with, “We’re not afraid.”

Well maybe, and maybe not. Typically fear does drive not being able to forgive. Some are afraid that if they forgive they are in some way endorsing or approving what their spouse did. I remind them that Jesus forgave constantly while on earth without endorsing sin (John 4).

Some are afraid they will have to forget. No matter what has happened or how penitent your spouse is, you can’t completely forget unless you have a lobotomy or get hit on the head really hard. God doesn’t necessarily want or expect us to completely forget things that hurt us. Memories protect us. He simply wants us to let go of the anger, bitterness, and coldness we feel when we do not forgive.

Some are afraid of what they may have to give up. But what do your really lose if you forgive someone? The right to keep on punishing the other? The right to maintain power or control? The right to keep the other person in prison?

2. Do you equate trust with forgiveness?

I think so many couples can’t forgive each other because they misunderstand the difference between the forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is more than a one-time act; it’s a process. It begins with a decision to forgive but involves a process which often demands a great deal of work and energy in getting over the hurt. Jesus said to forgive infinitely, as much as necessary, even daily (Matthew 18:21-22). Just because you don’t trust your spouse doesn’t mean you can’t forgive him or her. We can forgive people who commit murder and steal, but that doesn’t mean we let our daughters go out with them or allow them to manage our bank account. Forgiveness can be given. Trust must be built, one brick, one action at a time. It may take years to rebuild trust when a spouse has been unfaithful, but forgiveness can happen much sooner.

As with “forgiveness,” grace is a word that rolls quickly and easily off the tongue. Even so, it may be difficult to comprehend, to receive, or to give to others.

In marriage, I think traits like forgiveness and grace are more difficult and complicated than in other contexts.

Suppose someone accidentally opens his or her car door into yours while you are parked. That person immediately gets out of his car and comes over and says, “I am so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention and thought your car was farther away. I would be glad to take care of the damage.” More than likely, though you may feel a little frustrated, you will probably say something like, “Oh, let’s forget it. I know you didn’t mean too. It’s okay.”

It’s pretty easy to extend both forgiveness and grace in this situation. And interestingly enough, we’re talking here about someone you have never seen before in your life!

But when your husband or wife hurts you, isn’t it interesting that giving grace and forgiveness becomes so difficult? I think this has to do with the following beliefs:

* Your perception may be that your spouse should know better and not make this kind of mistake.

* You may believe that your spouse is trying to punish you, pay you back, or get even.

* You may believe that your spouse has committed the transgression several times before and doesn’t deserve grace or forgiveness.

* You may feel that your spouse just doesn’t care anymore whether he or she hurts you.

* Possibly you have really never felt forgiveness or grace from your others, such as your parents, someone you hurt long ago, or even God Himself. Because you have never experienced or received it, you don’t know how to give it to others.

Although grace and forgiveness may be difficult to understand, receive and extend, we must learn the process. Our marriages depend on it.

I’ve seen it over and over through my years of counseling. When couples really grasp the depth of the principles of grace and forgiveness, they begin to experience levels of satisfaction and happiness in their marriage beyond what they had thought possible. When couples really tap into grace and forgiveness, so many ongoing destructive issues in their marriage simply go away.

Give it a try. I encourage you to do whatever it takes to strengthen your own marriage. Your marriage is more important than whether or not your needs are being met and your own personal happiness.

Remember, happiness is a natural outcome of a healthy marriage…not your most important goal.

Stay committed to your marriage and make it work. Don’t just “try.”

Commitment is one of the major foundations stones of happy marriages. Commitment says, “I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage and make it healthy.” Commitment also says, “I see myself with you when we are old and feeble, walking together, holding wrinkled hands. I see us knowing that if we part it will be because the Lord took one of us home.”

That is the kind of vision that keeps couples together, not myths about happiness.

When talking with couples who are unhappy and considering giving up, this is what I say to them:

“When the door to happiness shuts, another door of opportunity opens. The problem is you are staring and grieving at the closed door so long, you can’t see the new door standing wide open.”

I don’t know where you are right now in your thinking about your marriage, but pull up a chair. Let me ask you a couple of questions: “Have you been staring at the wrong door, perhaps a door labeled Happiness? Have you missed the doors God has opened to renew your marriage? Isn’t it time to bring some closure to the way things used to be? Shouldn’t you close some doors (like past hurts, broken promises, broken trust, embarrassing moments, and unforgiving actions or unforgiving words) permanently and pay your last respects? Don’t you think its time to let forgiveness work in your marriage?

(*Taken from my book: The Marriage Turnaround- Moody Publishing)