Can A Bad Marriage Be Turned Around?

(Recent Magazine Article About The Marriage Turnaround/ Mitch Temple)

A Marriage Gone Bad Can Become Good Again

We’ve all witnessed it, friends, church members, family members, coworkers who have said “My marriage is finished! There’s nothing that can be done. Its over.”

In some instances a marriage may not be saved. The bible even addresses this in passages like Matthew 19 and I Corinthians 7.

However, in our culture, there seems to be an epidemic of divorce as the solution. It seems the default “answer” to pain in marriage is an automatic inclination toward divorce when things get tough or when couples simply find themselves unhappy.

The reality is that divorce is typically not the answer to most marriage problems. Research has verified this over and over. Just because a couple is unhappy or going through a crisis, that doesn’t mean that marriage is hopeless.

Mitch Temple, former Director of Marriage for Focus on the family and author of The Marriage Turnaround says that “a bad marriage is not like fruit that has gone bad. Once it goes bad, it stays bad. A struggling marriage can be turned around. Happiness and satisfaction will come and go in any marriage just like parental satisfaction comes and goes while raising kids. But with the right kind of changes in attitudes, beliefs and actions, those desired qualities can return.”

The author goes onto say that “many of us buy into myths our culture has espoused. Myths like: “the most important thing in marriage is to be happy” , or “my needs are more important than yours” or one of the most popular ones today, “I made a mistake, I didn’t marry my soul mate.” These beliefs can lead good people, even Christians out of potentially good marriages. Myths cause us to give up on something that God said was good- something we signed up for: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part. ”

He goes on to say that “The truth is, the most important quality in marriage is God honoring commitment. Commitment holds in place when feelings are gone. Commitment causes us to show up even when we don’t feel like it. Commitment puts our spouse’s needs first before our own. Commitment reminds us that the grass is not greener on the other side, that its greenest where we water it the most.”

Mitch has been working with couples for over 20 years in the local church and also as a therapist. And though he embraces the fact that traditional counseling is helpful for couples in crisis, he feels that when couples reach a crisis point, we can’t treat their situation like normal long term counseling problems. The issues have to be hit head on in an environment which turns couples hearts away from divorce and restores hope in a short period of time.

The Temple’s have been helping couples do exactly that for a number of years through marriage intensives. Marriage intensives brings as many as 14 couples together in a group format for 3 days of intensive work. The result, a majority of those who experience this boot camp type of experience save their marriage.

Temple says that most couples who attend are on the brink of divorce. Many are separated and want out. A majority have had an affair. Yet, this approach is effective even when other forms of help is not. “Couples come devastated, angry and have given up, yet something unbelievable occurs when you put people together in a group and guide them in the right direction.” He continues “Most couples really don’t want to end their marriage. They are simply in so much pain that they feel this is the only direction to go. Intensives provides gives other options. Couples are led to change their minds, their marriage and their lives. It provides an experience and a road map to restore marriages that seem unreasonable. It slows couples down for 3 days and asks them to think differently about their marriage and then how to act different.”

“One study showed that over 86 percent of couples who said that they were very unhappy in their marriage but stayed together 5 years later said that they were now happy. This study helps us to see that if couples will stay in their marriages, that the chances are that issues we all face like finances, sex, teen issues, job losses etc can work out and that happiness can return to their marriage.”

The secret seems to be in the sauce. Our creator God is one that came up with marriage. He set the intention, purpose and the rules in place. When we honor these things, good things come.

“Marriage crisis are like storms, loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving.”

For more information about intensives go to; www.themarriageturnaround.com