Attitude Checkup

Marriage Attitude Checkup

*Taken from The Marriage Turnaround- How Thinking Differently About Your Relationship Can Change Everything (Moody Publishing, 2009).

Have you ever said something similar to: “My attitude is stellar, I'm right on track” or “My attitude is not the problem, it’s yours?” Fair enough. But do yourself a favor and take this quick checkup.
How many of these statements have you recently thought or said to your spouse? Put a check by those that apply.
• __"If you disagree with something I said or did, it means you don't love me."
• __"If you disappoint me, I'll make your life miserable."
• __"It's no use to keep trying to talk through our problems. We always end up fighting."
• __"You'll never forgive me for what I did."
• __"Because you make the same mistakes over and over, it means you don't care."
• __"It's always going to be this way. Nothing will ever change."
• __"Our marriage has never been good. You've never really loved me."
• __"You shouldn't feel that way."
• __"You always treat me the same way."
• __"You never show me you love me."
• __"It's always about you."
• __"You are never wrong."
• __"I'm never right."
• __"It's your fault I feel this way. You make me act this way."
• __"Because our marriage doesn't look like ____________'s marriage, it's not right."
• __"I'm not being treated like I should be."
• __"I'm not happy . . . so I have the right to treat you the way I do."
• __"You're not meeting my needs; I have a right to find someone else who will."
• __"I'm not in love with you anymore — so the commitment means nothing to me."
• __"This marriage is keeping me from living up to my potential."
• __"If you would just change, our marriage would be okay."
• __"The kids would be better off without their mom and dad fighting all the time."
If you checked any where between:
1-2 You are pretty normal, average. Most of us have a few attitudes that need some adjusting.
3-5 You should be a little more concerned. You have several attitudes or beliefs that may be really affecting your marriage negatively.
6-9 You are probably experiencing a great amount of dissatisfaction in your marriage. You may be in a management/ business mind set “let’s just exist and take care of family business.” Regular conflict or withdrawal may be occuring.
10 plus Your attitude is probably affecting your marriage on a crisis level. Your attitudes are driving your emotions and behaviors. Possible scenarios: You stay angry, you resent your spouse, you argue constantly, you are defensive, sex is a thing of the past, you are starting to invest in other people or activities like a coworker, neighbor, old flame on Facebook, a “friend” in an online community, spending more time on hobbies or with your friends or just staying later at work. These emotions and behaviors are probably stemming from unhealthy attitudes, expectations or beliefs. You are probably thinking “the grass is greener on the other side.” Your focus may on your spouse’s attitudes and actions, but a better place to put your focus and energy is on your own. The grass is typically greenest where we water it the most.
Changes in your attitudes can cause positive changes in your spouses. Somebody has to start the healing process, why not you? That’s the question I asked myself and it helped the process of turning my marriage around. It can for you too.

Here’s what I did to turn my attitudes and marriage around:
• I humbled myself. I asked God to break my heart so my marriage could heal. I begin to see her through God’s eyes, as a sinner, a fallen, flawed person, but as a beautiful creature who is loved unconditionally and saved by grace.
• I read everything I could get my hands on about marriage, understanding my wife’s personality and how to change my attitude.
• I scrutinized every emotion. I questioned my thoughts and how I reacted to her.
• I wrote down every attitude, expectation and belief I had formed about Rhonda. To the side I indicated whether it was really true or just felt right. I then wrote out a more accurate belief, expectation to replace it with.
• I learned about sending subtle messages through body language.
• I asked myself questions such as, “Should I be feeling this way? Have I overreacted? Are my beliefs, expectations and thoughts based on truth or just emotion?
• At the end of the day, I reviewed the things I said to Rhonda and how I behaved toward her.
• If I felt convicted that I had hurt her, I apologized. I was determined to change myself, no longer her.
• Instead of being focused on my needs, I started focusing on the broader, bigger, more accurate view of marriage.

In The Marriage Turnaround I list and discuss 10 major myths, false attitudes and beliefs about marriage. I discuss each myth and then help you to see the other side, the side of truth. My heart is to help you have a much healthier way to think about your spouse and marriage. I hope you will have the chance to read it and hear my story and the story of other couples just like you who turned their marriage around.
*Please pass this Attitude Check up around. Send to your friends, family and coworkers. It changed my marriage and my prayer is that it will for many others.