Your Questions
If you've got questions about marriage issues or how to turn your marriage around, or you want to ask Mitch a question, ask it here!
Don't have a question? That's ok. Observations, insights and lessons learned are welcomed! Join in the discussion, you may be surprized at how similar your experiences and insights are with others. Plus who knows, your words may be the very thing which encourages and inspires a reader somewhere around the world today.
Don't have a question? That's ok. Observations, insights and lessons learned are welcomed! Join in the discussion, you may be surprized at how similar your experiences and insights are with others. Plus who knows, your words may be the very thing which encourages and inspires a reader somewhere around the world today.
Views: 8
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Pam Netzel on -
Mitch,
Since you can't tell a book by its cover, does Marriage Turnaround cover non-standard relationships? I've purchased marriage help books and they don't apply to my situation. I provide financial support, domestic chores, intimate conversation, and loving support. My needs, which are not being met by my spouse, are for respect, sex, and a little time to myself. I am the one who desperately wants out, but will I stick to the promise I made at the altar and I will do anything to make my marriage better (thus the purchase of help books). My situation: I am the WIFE. 'Love and Respect', 'Love Must Be Tough', 'The Love Dare', 'Care and Feeding of Husbands', etc. are all backwards. The more I submit, obey, speak kindly and encourage him to do better, the worse things get. I have expressed my needs in a non-threating way and he responds with "I'm sorry" and no change. He's been though a lot as he had surgery go bad five years ago and he is disabled and cannot work. His therapist said he can do more but he refused to exercise and discontinued the therapy. If you asked him he would tell you he has the best wife in the world. After 30 years of marriage, my only hope is that the Lord will take me to Heaven soon. Your first chapter promises hope. Tell me why I should invest in your book.
Thanks,
Pam
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on -
Pam, thanks for your post. I cant attest to whether The Marriage Turnaround will help your situation or not but based on what you are describing, your situation doesnt seem to be extremely different from many couples. Many spouses feel they are giving everything they can give with little is given in return. The good news is that the situation will not likely remain this way. Something will likely change for the better. Hopeless situations can turn to hopeful situations. A bad marriage, a reluctant spouse can be turned around.
Though your husband may be non responsive, use this as an opportunity to seek help in learning how to deal with and manage your situation. It sounds as if you are struggling with grief and possibly resentment. Those are issues that you may likely need help with.
It also appears that your husband may be dealing with some emotional issues. Depression may be a possiblity. Depression will often present with a sense of hopelessness, lack of ambition and not following through on promises. Though these are just a few symptoms, they seem to apply. Its not uncommon for people who have been through what your husband has to develop clinical depression which must be treated by a medical professional.
Even if your husband refuses to seek help, you should also be assessed and possibly treated for depression. It is evident from your description that you feel extremely hopeless.
Until depression is addressed for either you or your spouse, counseling and books can only be so effective. I know firsthand. I speak of my depression in the book and describe the effect it has on marriage and how the other spouse can help themselves and their spouse deal with it.
The book also addresses how changes in one spouse can positively affect the other spouse. It takes a different approach from many marriage books, it addresses the value of changing ones heart, thinking, beliefs and expectations. It addresses the root problem of many marriage problems today- thinking and beliefs.
I hope you will seek help from someone that help you work through this challenge. An outside professional can be objective and are trained to work specifically with both individual and relationships problems.
God bless you and my prayer is that God will provide the people and resources you need the most.
Mitch
Pam Netzel said:Mitch,
Since you can't tell a book by its cover, does Marriage Turnaround cover non-standard relationships? I've purchased marriage help books and they don't apply to my situation. I provide financial support, domestic chores, intimate conversation, and loving support. My needs, which are not being met by my spouse, are for respect, sex, and a little time to myself. I am the one who desperately wants out, but will I stick to the promise I made at the altar and I will do anything to make my marriage better (thus the purchase of help books). My situation: I am the WIFE. 'Love and Respect', 'Love Must Be Tough', 'The Love Dare', 'Care and Feeding of Husbands', etc. are all backwards. The more I submit, obey, speak kindly and encourage him to do better, the worse things get. I have expressed my needs in a non-threating way and he responds with "I'm sorry" and no change. He's been though a lot as he had surgery go bad five years ago and he is disabled and cannot work. His therapist said he can do more but he refused to exercise and discontinued the therapy. If you asked him he would tell you he has the best wife in the world. After 30 years of marriage, my only hope is that the Lord will take me to Heaven soon. Your first chapter promises hope. Tell me why I should invest in your book.
Thanks,
Pam
-
Permalink Reply by Daniel Cook on -
One myth both my wife and I seem to believe is that we are both doing everything around the house. I work an hour and a half away so I do not come home every night and when I get back I feel like the house is a mess and nothing has been done, which it has, and we have a six-month-old baby and a two year old which take up most of my wife's time, but I still sometimes feel that way. It is a myth and I know it is a myth but it still seems to creep up.
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
Daniel, how does your wife respond when you/ she brings it up? How do you / she bring it up? What words are used? Tone of voice? Does it usually come up when one of you/ both of you are upset?
One suggestion would be that whoever brings it, make sure its done as a complaint versus a gen. criticism. The difference is that a complaint simply states a fact, "I feel that I carry most of the load when it comes to doing __________." A criticism takes a complaint to the next level and often attacks the others character: "I am always the one who does everything around here! You are such an adolescent, always expecting everything to be done for you." A negative approach will almost always generate a negative response.
One of the main principles I go back to over and over in the Marriage Turnaround is that if you keep doing the same things the same ways you will likely get the same results. So when you are getting the same the results in any given situation, first try looking at the situation a little different. Try to see it from another perspective. Then, determine that when the issue comes up or addressed that you approach it totally different. Your spouse may not be the first to try something different, It will likely be you.
Mitch
Daniel Cook said:One myth both my wife and I seem to believe is that we are both doing everything around the house. I work an hour and a half away so I do not come home every night and when I get back I feel like the house is a mess and nothing has been done, which it has, and we have a six-month-old baby and a two year old which take up most of my wife's time, but I still sometimes feel that way. It is a myth and I know it is a myth but it still seems to creep up.
-
Permalink Reply by Tyna on
-
I have been married to my husband for 10 yrs, we have four children, his job keeps him away alot. God bless the Marine Corps. In our first year of marriage we were on our second child. While I was pregnant he had an emotional affair with his first love and tattooed her name on his stomach.. But we survived it, and with lots of time I was able to trust again. But there was the condition of him letting go of his first love forever, I was never going to be able to compete. Years go by with a few bumps in the road that are typical in marriages, and still hasnt removed the tattoo.. We also had two more kids. Recently due to his job we had to move to another country as a family. I was basically on my own with no support from him. You see he knew the language, but the 4 kids and I did not so it wasnt as easy for us. I went through a serious depression and didnt handle it well.
Well, at some point my husband found facebook and connected with another of his old flames. The worst part was he kept it a secret from me, until the conversation of sending me and the kids back home came up and he accidentally called me by her name. Well things transpired over a period of weeks and at one point he left his FB open and I read his emails between him and her. It was more than just a friendship as he had claimed but something more of a wish we would have done things differently but we have to live the lives we have now sort of thing. Apparently she brough back old feeling and he got caught up in them until he realized it, but thinks he can maintain the friendship. He also added that he had been emailing the first love against my wishes.
Since I have come home with the kids I came upon the movie Fireproof which led me to your book. I have made big changes to make this work. I try to talk it out with him, he just wont open himself up to me like he does with these so called friends. I am completely uncomfortable with him continuing any kind of friendship especially after the things that I found out. So I made it very clear to him that I could not accept them as his friends and he has a choice. I never wanted to give him that choice because I felt he should have ended it on his own as soon as there were feelings especially if I meant more to him than some friend. I sent him the Fireproof movie, your book and the love dare book. He claims he doesnt have time to read but he will try, and I dont think he has watched the movie. He doesnt have much of a relationship with God. He claims he is trying, but at the same time he tells me that he will not give up these exs' of his.
Now I have asked God what the right thing to do here is? I need some help, I am drowning with emotions. Do I let him have these friendships that make me uncomfortable? Do I give in just to keep us married? Do I let this selfishness of his continue? We have our issues and problems, and we need to work on that, but I can not do it as long as I know he still has contact with them. I just dont think that I could trust any friendship he has with women from his past. Am I wrong if I leave for that reason? Will God be disappointed? Is there some way to fix it? Please help me with this!!!
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
Tyna, here's the deal: emotional affairs are still affairs. Sure, maybe the spouse has not crossed the physical line, but often emotional affairs are pre steps to a physical affair. An affair is defined by giving something to someone other than your spouse that belongs only to them. It is also defined by secrecy. Are they keeping something from you that they would not want you to see? I think you get the picture. Spouses in this situation often want their cake and eat it too- they want the security of a family, marriage, yet they want to play too. No relationship can flourish like that.
A marriage is designed to flourish when its vows and principles are honored, including "to you only as long as we both shall live." Research validates this; God the creator of marriage commands it. No exceptions.
Face book can be a good thing, it can also open up the past when it shouldn’t be. Curiosity not kills the Cat, it can kill marriages.
In order for your marriage to move beyond this, he must be willing to break off discussion with these previous flames. No matter what media says or friends, its not normal and will destroy your marriage. Trust cannot be rebuilt until he does. This is not just my advice, its backed by years and years of Social research.
Will he go to counseling with you? I encourage you to find a Licensed Christian Marriage Therapist who will follow not only secular science but Biblical principles.
A good website to learn more about affairs and how to deal with them, whether physical or emotional: www.dearpeggy.com. I also have a couple articles on my blog about facebook and online issues.
You may also go to the Marriage Online community at Focus on the Family (www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage) and connect with others who are going through the same issue. Believe me you are not alone. But, there is hope. They also offer a free counseling session and referral to a Christian Therapist in your area.
I would also recommend an intensive for couples in crisis. You can read more about them on my blog or under the events section. Another intensive option is www.familydynamics.net.
I hope this helps. You will be in my prayers Tyna. Let us know how things are going.
Mitch
Tyna said:I have been married to my husband for 10 yrs, we have four children, his job keeps him away alot. God bless the Marine Corps. In our first year of marriage we were on our second child. While I was pregnant he had an emotional affair with his first love and tattooed her name on his stomach.. But we survived it, and with lots of time I was able to trust again. But there was the condition of him letting go of his first love forever, I was never going to be able to compete. Years go by with a few bumps in the road that are typical in marriages, and still hasnt removed the tattoo.. We also had two more kids. Recently due to his job we had to move to another country as a family. I was basically on my own with no support from him. You see he knew the language, but the 4 kids and I did not so it wasnt as easy for us. I went through a serious depression and didnt handle it well.
Well, at some point my husband found facebook and connected with another of his old flames. The worst part was he kept it a secret from me, until the conversation of sending me and the kids back home came up and he accidentally called me by her name. Well things transpired over a period of weeks and at one point he left his FB open and I read his emails between him and her. It was more than just a friendship as he had claimed but something more of a wish we would have done things differently but we have to live the lives we have now sort of thing. Apparently she brough back old feeling and he got caught up in them until he realized it, but thinks he can maintain the friendship. He also added that he had been emailing the first love against my wishes.
Since I have come home with the kids I came upon the movie Fireproof which led me to your book. I have made big changes to make this work. I try to talk it out with him, he just wont open himself up to me like he does with these so called friends. I am completely uncomfortable with him continuing any kind of friendship especially after the things that I found out. So I made it very clear to him that I could not accept them as his friends and he has a choice. I never wanted to give him that choice because I felt he should have ended it on his own as soon as there were feelings especially if I meant more to him than some friend. I sent him the Fireproof movie, your book and the love dare book. He claims he doesnt have time to read but he will try, and I dont think he has watched the movie. He doesnt have much of a relationship with God. He claims he is trying, but at the same time he tells me that he will not give up these exs' of his.
Now I have asked God what the right thing to do here is? I need some help, I am drowning with emotions. Do I let him have these friendships that make me uncomfortable? Do I give in just to keep us married? Do I let this selfishness of his continue? We have our issues and problems, and we need to work on that, but I can not do it as long as I know he still has contact with them. I just dont think that I could trust any friendship he has with women from his past. Am I wrong if I leave for that reason? Will God be disappointed? Is there some way to fix it? Please help me with this!!!
-
Permalink Reply by Steve French on
-
When we were married 21 years ago it was by a judge and not in a church by a pastor. Neither of us were walking in Christ. We have had lots of difficulty through the years and I wonder whether we can turn this into a marriage as God sees marriage. We both profess to be believers now but I think we are in pretty different places spiritually and we both carry bitterness about each other and how our marriage has devolved.
-
Permalink Reply by Janet on -
I can relate to your story Steve. My husband and I were in pretty much the same boat as you and your wife. With the exception that we were married by my Brother-In-Law, who is an ordained minister, in our living room. Neither my husband nor I were serving God at the time, but I had grown up in a christian home, so I knew that what I was doing was serious to God and it was for life. My husband often voices an opinion that perhaps God didn't mean for us to be together and our selfish free will choice back then has caused all of this trouble. Perhaps our selfish choices have caused us trouble but I disagree concerning how God views our union. God see's us as one regardless of how we got here. Look at the woman Jesus spoke to at the well in scripture. Jesus knew that she'd had many husbands. Why had she had many husbands? Was it because she had stood before a minister with each one? Or was it because she consumated the "marriages" physically? This is why we teach God's plan for sex after marriage. God's principles are still the same, whether we are believers or not.
I KNOW God has a plan for our marriages, even if they didn't start off perfect. His word says so and I believe his word NOW. My husband, who is very knowledgeable about what God's word says, may just have doubts concerning what God's word means... it says "With God all things are possible". (This means that there is at least one spiritual problem at the root of our marital issues and that spiritual issue needs to be addressed at some point) I personally have the faith to believe God's word, so it changes the way I see the vows we made with one another. Whether we made that vows ignorantly or knowingly, as born again believers, we are responsible to God for his definition of marriage and to see our marriage as a covenant. We are responsible to Him for our commitment to our marriages. I would love to recommit to my husband before God and my friends and family. I want for us both to do so willingly. But I'm not certain that would change my husbands unbelief at this time though. I hope one day we can do that. But for now, I have a more important responsibility.
My responsibility is to cover my husband in prayer. My husband often says at this point that he's not sure "it's" (our marriage) is worth it. Too much water under the bridge. Un-forgiveness and bitterness has always been an issue with him. It used to be with me too many years ago. But I learned that un-forgiveness and bitterness only make me sick and God wants me healed and whole. So I have learned that forgiveness is for my benefit. God can bring healing to any marriage if you both embrace and extend to one another God's grace and forgiveness. My prayer is that my husband will one day have open eyes to see God's will for healing in our marriage, because it IS valid in his sight.
You don't have to be in the same place spiritually to receive God's healing for your marriage. You simply need faith and a willingness to obey God's Spirit where he leads. If you both are committed to obeying God's word, anything IS possible. Please believe me when I say I know how difficult that might be and it's quite possible that one of the two of you may choose to end it. Personally I'm holding on to my faith, strengthened ONLY by my savior who is made strong in my weakness. I know ANYTHING is possible with God despite the number of times my husband has told me he's walking. Truth is, he's still here. I keep forgiving.
Steve you don't have to wait for your wife before you get your head and heart in line with God's word. You are no victim here and neither is your wife. God says we are victors. Ask the Father for wisdom and prayerfully do what he says, one step at a time. What a blessing that God has placed Mitch and all of the others willing to help us and minister God's grace and mercy to us as we seek Him diligently.
P.S. If your marriage wasn't worth something in God's sight, why would satan and his demons be so diligently working to destroy it.
God bless you and your wife Steve. You will be in my prayers.
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
Great comments . Thanks for sharing your hearts. I will be praying for both of you.
I encourage you to read the articles I mentioned above. The insights and principles are very applicable to almost every situation.
Mitch
Janet said:I can relate to your story Steve. My husband and I were in pretty much the same boat as you and your wife. With the exception that we were married by my Brother-In-Law, who is an ordained minister, in our living room. Neither my husband nor I were serving God at the time, but I had grown up in a christian home, so I knew that what I was doing was serious to God and it was for life. My husband often voices an opinion that perhaps God didn't mean for us to be together and our selfish free will choice back then has caused all of this trouble. Perhaps our selfish choices have caused us trouble but I disagree concerning how God views our union. God see's us as one regardless of how we got here. Look at the woman Jesus spoke to at the well in scripture. Jesus knew that she'd had many husbands. Why had she had many husbands? Was it because she had stood before a minister with each one? Or was it because she consumated the "marriages" physically? This is why we teach God's plan for sex after marriage. God's principles are still the same, whether we are believers or not.
I KNOW God has a plan for our marriages, even if they didn't start off perfect. His word says so and I believe his word NOW. My husband, who is very knowledgeable about what God's word says, may just have doubts concerning what God's word means... it says "With God all things are possible". (This means that there is at least one spiritual problem at the root of our marital issues and that spiritual issue needs to be addressed at some point) I personally have the faith to believe God's word, so it changes the way I see the vows we made with one another. Whether we made that vows ignorantly or knowingly, as born again believers, we are responsible to God for his definition of marriage and to see our marriage as a covenant. We are responsible to Him for our commitment to our marriages. I would love to recommit to my husband before God and my friends and family. I want for us both to do so willingly. But I'm not certain that would change my husbands unbelief at this time though. I hope one day we can do that. But for now, I have a more important responsibility.
My responsibility is to cover my husband in prayer. My husband often says at this point that he's not sure "it's" (our marriage) is worth it. Too much water under the bridge. Un-forgiveness and bitterness has always been an issue with him. It used to be with me too many years ago. But I learned that un-forgiveness and bitterness only make me sick and God wants me healed and whole. So I have learned that forgiveness is for my benefit. God can bring healing to any marriage if you both embrace and extend to one another God's grace and forgiveness. My prayer is that my husband will one day have open eyes to see God's will for healing in our marriage, because it IS valid in his sight.
You don't have to be in the same place spiritually to receive God's healing for your marriage. You simply need faith and a willingness to obey God's Spirit where he leads. If you both are committed to obeying God's word, anything IS possible. Please believe me when I say I know how difficult that might be and it's quite possible that one of the two of you may choose to end it. Personally I'm holding on to my faith, strengthened ONLY by my savior who is made strong in my weakness. I know ANYTHING is possible with God despite the number of times my husband has told me he's walking. Truth is, he's still here. I keep forgiving.
Steve you don't have to wait for your wife before you get your head and heart in line with God's word. You are no victim here and neither is your wife. God says we are victors. Ask the Father for wisdom and prayerfully do what he says, one step at a time. What a blessing that God has placed Mitch and all of the others willing to help us and minister God's grace and mercy to us as we seek Him diligently.
P.S. If your marriage wasn't worth something in God's sight, why would satan and his demons be so diligently working to destroy it.
God bless you and your wife Steve. You will be in my prayers.
- ‹ Previous
- 1
- 2
- 3
- Next ›
Watch Video- Mitch Speaking on The Marriage Turnaround
Mitch Temple discusses his book The Marriage Turnaround with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages , on his national radio show Building Relationships:
© 2012 Created by Mitch Temple.
Powered by 
.
