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Permalink Reply by Gabriela on January 20, 2009 at 2:02am

Hi Mitch,
I would love to buy the book but I can't as that would cause more trouble in my marriage. We're both very hurt. He's hurt for the way I've treated him during all these years of marriage. I don't let him be. I can't see that myself but if that's how he feels then I know I have to act. I'm hurt mainly because I don't feel loved. We're in our early 30's and parents of a beautiful 10-month baby girl. We say we're trying but I've realized that we don't know how to try.
You say that all the trouble is caused by Satan. My reaction is to think that I have to be more faithful but I just don't know how to be more. What if God wants us to be apart? We're both too tired, so drained out. Indifference is my worst nightmare but my real life nowadays. Any suggestion?
Thanks in advance,
Gab

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Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on January 20, 2009 at 5:25pm

Gab, thanks for your message. My heart goes out to you because of what you are going through. You may already be aware, but besides buying a book or attending a conference, there's other great ways to get information, encouragement and guidance. For example:
www.family.org/ marriage is a marriage website with great information and advice. www.troubledwith.com is another. A marriage forum is an anonymous way to hear from other couples who may be going through or have gone through what you are going through (http://www.fotfforums.org/fusetalk/forum/index.cfm?forumid=6). The same organization also offers a free, confidential phone counseling session (1800AFamily). Here's a url for an article I wrote: When Your Marriage Needs Help- http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/facing_crisis/when_your_ma...
This piece walks you through the process of getting help, what to do if a spouse is unwilling to go, what type of help is available etc. The article gives you advice on how to talk to your husband about getting help and what to do if he refuses.

Just as God is the force of good in the world, there is a force of evil- Satan. However, Satan can't force anyone to do evil. He tempts and often sets the stage, but we are responsible for our choices. When others make the wrong choices, we feel helpless. The fact is that some spouses choose to not get help, choose to leave or to continue in destructive patterns. At some point, your husband must know how you are feeling and that you both need outside help. Sometimes tough love is needed or someone from the outside has to be engaged to help hold an unwilling spouse accountable.

As hopeless and fearful as you may feel right now, that doesnt mean your feelings are the way things will be in the future. One of the best things that you can do is to take action and seek guidance- one step at the time. Just starting the process can alleviate a great deal of anxiety. Hope often follows positive well thought out action.
The truth is, there is hope.
Mitch



Gabriela said:

Hi Mitch,
I would love to buy the book but I can't as that would cause more trouble in my marriage. We're both very hurt. He's hurt for the way I've treated him during all these years of marriage. I don't let him be. I can't see that myself but if that's how he feels then I know I have to act. I'm hurt mainly because I don't feel loved. We're in our early 30's and parents of a beautiful 10-month baby girl. We say we're trying but I've realized that we don't know how to try.
You say that all the trouble is caused by Satan. My reaction is to think that I have to be more faithful but I just don't know how to be more. What if God wants us to be apart? We're both too tired, so drained out. Indifference is my worst nightmare but my real life nowadays. Any suggestion?
Thanks in advance,
Gab

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Permalink Reply by Janet on February 18, 2009 at 9:49pm

Gabriela,
You didn't mention what your personal spiritual life is like right now. But I wanted to comment hoping that you have a relationship with Jesus Christ and that you attend a church regularly.

My husband and I are in the process of revisiting what you are experiencing. We went through a bad period like yours after we had our third child. My husband had high expectations of me as a wife and partner and has never been able to get past the things "that I have done to him". My marriage was floundering and I knew we were in trouble. After I'd gone to God about it and asked for the light to be shown on anything in the darkness, (I never could have imagined what the result of that prayer would be) I came upon, by God's grace and mercy, information that brought to light an online relationship that was about to develop into a physical meeting. It never happened and my husband's eyes were opened, his heart softened and humbled and he was ready to seek help so as not to lose me and our marriage. In the two years prior, he was so angry with me and my "selfishness", blaming me for his actions and bitterness. He was not yet a christian and often when he saw me pursuing Christ, he'd grow furiously angry. I realized later this really was a battle between him and God. It had little to do with me.

To be honest Mitch's book is right on. I can only give you my perspective as a woman who has gone through it. As I said, my husband is revisiting that old place right now. I kept asking my self, why again? Why now? I have my theories, but honestly after going through a period of fighting it out and trying to convince him that we need to learn how to more effectively communicate with each other, I have come back to the realization that my relationship with Jesus Christ has to be my center. Christ and his word center me and protect me from the negative thoughts that come...like, "I'm hurt mainly because I don't feel loved". In the past, as now, I have had to look to the Lord to love me. I desire to honor and respect God and out of that I pray that he will help me honor and respect my husband in ways that touch him, just as God's Word commands me to. It doesn't matter that my husband thinks I am doing it all wrong again. I had to give that over to the Lord AGAIN and ask the Lord to change me AGAIN. Open my eyes to what I need to do differently and how to pray and stand in the gap for our marriage. As I have done that in the past and even now, God is faithful to show me how to pray against the attacks of satan. I am seeing no real results right now. But I know God's word is true now as it was true 7 yrs ago. I am not powerless as Satan would have me believe. I have my shield of Faith and my Sword of the Spirit. I can't change my husband or his thinking. But the most positive thinking I know is God's Word. God honored me in the past and he protected us from divorce and He will do it again.

Gabriela, I find comfort in Psalm 116. Specifically in verses 10-13 David said even though he was miserable he would call upon the name of the Lord. I read 116 every time my husband now becomes angry with me. I no longer search for the reason why or how to fix it.(I'm a people pleaser who likes to make people happy...especially when they are angry with me) I can't. But God can and He will. He told me "All things work TOGETHER for my good because I love Him and am called according to his purpose.

Gabriela, I encourage you to begin a relationship with Jesus Christ FIRST, if you do not have one. Then I encourage you to ask God to reveal the truth about who you are in Him and how to show love and respect to your husband the way he needs it to be shown. I believe God brought your attention to Mitch's book and this web site for a very real purpose in your life. Don't listen to the lie that it will ruin your marriage. Trust God's instinct. He created you and your husband and he knows juuuust how to get through to and change each of you in a loving and gentle way. I'm not promising it won't be painful along the way. But I will say that God's way is perfect and often we only see that after the fact.

Mitch your book is a reminder for me and the Lord is using it to help me scope in on specifics to pray for my marriage.
Thanks. I heard you on Chris Fabry's show and got the book right away. I'm only on chapter 4. I am trusting the Lord to use this resource for my good as I continue. I know He will be faithful and my marriage will be better than before. Who knows what the Lord will show me about myself as I go on ahead.

Gabriela, I'll be praying for you and your husband.

Janet

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Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on February 22, 2009 at 7:19pm

Janet, Thanks for your great response. Your words are from the heart and are real life. I will be praying for you as well as Gabriela. God is bigger than any problem we face and much more kind and loving. He see's us through eye's of a Father, not through human eyes. God bless you and thanks so much for your touching comment.
Mitch


Janet said:

Gabriela,
You didn't mention what your personal spiritual life is like right now. But I wanted to comment hoping that you have a relationship with Jesus Christ and that you attend a church regularly.

My husband and I are in the process of revisiting what you are experiencing. We went through a bad period like yours after we had our third child. My husband had high expectations of me as a wife and partner and has never been able to get past the things "that I have done to him". My marriage was floundering and I knew we were in trouble. After I'd gone to God about it and asked for the light to be shown on anything in the darkness, (I never could have imagined what the result of that prayer would be) I came upon, by God's grace and mercy, information that brought to light an online relationship that was about to develop into a physical meeting. It never happened and my husband's eyes were opened, his heart softened and humbled and he was ready to seek help so as not to lose me and our marriage. In the two years prior, he was so angry with me and my "selfishness", blaming me for his actions and bitterness. He was not yet a christian and often when he saw me pursuing Christ, he'd grow furiously angry. I realized later this really was a battle between him and God. It had little to do with me.

To be honest Mitch's book is right on. I can only give you my perspective as a woman who has gone through it. As I said, my husband is revisiting that old place right now. I kept asking my self, why again? Why now? I have my theories, but honestly after going through a period of fighting it out and trying to convince him that we need to learn how to more effectively communicate with each other, I have come back to the realization that my relationship with Jesus Christ has to be my center. Christ and his word center me and protect me from the negative thoughts that come...like, "I'm hurt mainly because I don't feel loved". In the past, as now, I have had to look to the Lord to love me. I desire to honor and respect God and out of that I pray that he will help me honor and respect my husband in ways that touch him, just as God's Word commands me to. It doesn't matter that my husband thinks I am doing it all wrong again. I had to give that over to the Lord AGAIN and ask the Lord to change me AGAIN. Open my eyes to what I need to do differently and how to pray and stand in the gap for our marriage. As I have done that in the past and even now, God is faithful to show me how to pray against the attacks of satan. I am seeing no real results right now. But I know God's word is true now as it was true 7 yrs ago. I am not powerless as Satan would have me believe. I have my shield of Faith and my Sword of the Spirit. I can't change my husband or his thinking. But the most positive thinking I know is God's Word. God honored me in the past and he protected us from divorce and He will do it again.

Gabriela, I find comfort in Psalm 116. Specifically in verses 10-13 David said even though he was miserable he would call upon the name of the Lord. I read 116 every time my husband now becomes angry with me. I no longer search for the reason why or how to fix it.(I'm a people pleaser who likes to make people happy...especially when they are angry with me) I can't. But God can and He will. He told me "All things work TOGETHER for my good because I love Him and am called according to his purpose.

Gabriela, I encourage you to begin a relationship with Jesus Christ FIRST, if you do not have one. Then I encourage you to ask God to reveal the truth about who you are in Him and how to show love and respect to your husband the way he needs it to be shown. I believe God brought your attention to Mitch's book and this web site for a very real purpose in your life. Don't listen to the lie that it will ruin your marriage. Trust God's instinct. He created you and your husband and he knows juuuust how to get through to and change each of you in a loving and gentle way. I'm not promising it won't be painful along the way. But I will say that God's way is perfect and often we only see that after the fact.

Mitch your book is a reminder for me and the Lord is using it to help me scope in on specifics to pray for my marriage.
Thanks. I heard you on Chris Fabry's show and got the book right away. I'm only on chapter 4. I am trusting the Lord to use this resource for my good as I continue. I know He will be faithful and my marriage will be better than before. Who knows what the Lord will show me about myself as I go on ahead.

Gabriela, I'll be praying for you and your husband.

Janet

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Permalink Reply by Janet on February 28, 2009 at 3:09pm

Ok Mitch,
I've gotten to Chapter 8. Now I'm taking nuggets from the book and trying to apply them. But I'm seeing that my husband is the one who should be reading your book more than me. That's kind of frustrating seeing as how he would never take my suggestion and instead see it as a criticism. (interestingly enough, when I ordered the book I ended up with 2 instead of one :-) I think I've got my head on pretty straight concerning God's word and my reactions to him. I still have a problem and I'm hoping you can help.

My husband is EXTREMELY unhappy right now in our marriage. He's made it clear that he married me because I was pretty and I made him feel good. He felt he would live the rest of his life happy and sexed. In my youthful insecurity I often used sex(promiscuity) as a way to ensure that I would not be alone. I used my body as a vehicle, hoping that men would be around long enough to get to appreciate the inner loving and tender "me". It never happened. Then came my husband. We knew each other for a long 8 yrs before becoming a couple. He saw my hurt and seemed to genuinely care for ME, as a person and female. When my husband and I were finally dating, he got used to the fact that he never had to work to get me in the mood. I was often aggressive sexually in an attempt to keep him with me out of fear of being left alone. I understand his feeling the way he does, that I manipulated him and lied to him in my representation of who I was. That was all before I gave my life over to a loving Father. I have apologized and instead of forgiving, he saw my admission of guilt as validation of his views concerning people and relationships.

With all that in mind, you must understand that my husband is a solitary kind of guy. He has a really bad attitude where "people" are concerned. Friendships and people only bring trouble and drama. I've tried to talk about it, but he insists he had a great childhood with a great family, it was just outsiders that caused trouble. It took awhile and lots of prayer before my husband turned his life over the The Lord. There was a HUGE internal battle going on in him and I got the brunt of his anger at God. But eventually he gave in and what a change. Jump ahead to now. My husband has grown angry again and see's relationships as useless and now he has scripture to back him up. (never mind the fact that the whole bible IS about relationships) Relationships just create trouble and unhappiness.

He's committed to providing for our family and he deserves a great respect for that. I try to say so often by thanking him. I can clearly see that my husband is once again having an internal battle with God over "relationships". He has the "Love the Lord your God" part down it's "Loving others as yourself" that seems to be his problem and it's been going on for about a year. He is digging his heels in with his bible verses and stories to validate the bitter root he's developed. He's very logical and there's no sense arguing with him about it. However, when the subject does come up I try to lovingly share that God is ALL about and for relationships.

OK that's the background, now the problem. We have 4 children. Because my husband thinks we are totally incompatible, and our views are so polar, there can be no middle ground. He will parent his way and I can parent my way. The lack of agreement on this scares me. He is extremely judgmental when it comes to the friends of our children. It is ALWAYS the influence of friends and the irresponsibility of our children to resist that influence, that is the cause of the problem when our children choose to misbehave. My husband is constantly telling our kids that people are trouble and all they need is a strong commitment to God. Our children have grown disenchanted with Daddy at the very least. Down right rebellious and angry on the other end.They have no desire to seek God and they see bible reading and praying as a punishment. When my husband begins one of his lectures with this subject included, I can see the frustration welling up in them, sometimes to the point of tears. It makes him downright angry and they are beginning to just disregard him now. I've talked with more than one of our children who felt unloved because he is so harsh and short with them regarding this. They wonder if he even wants a relationship with them. It's to the point where I feel I can't keep my mouth shut when he starts heading in this vein as he tries to teach them about serving and living for God.

I know he may be feeling undermined. I know it validates his feelings that we are just incompatible and never will be and therefore he made a mistake in marrying me. He's even said something recently about "sticking it out till the kids are grown..." and I asked, "What? Then you can divorce me?" (I was feeling very hurt)

Mitch, What can I do FOR him. What do I do to handle this obvious wrong thinking? There is no middle ground, no compromise for him, I've tried. Just his way and my way. I don't want to undermine him in the eyes of our children. He deserves their respect. What can I do differently other than just leaving the room when he starts talking with them about relationships? (by the way...he has a teaching degree, so he's VERY methodical and thorough when he's teaching our children) My trying to interject during his conversation only leads him to get angry at me and the fallout comes quickly after. How do I keep the peace with him and still help my children learn that a good relationship is a valuable thing to be protected and nurtured?

Janet(

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Permalink Reply by Janet on March 1, 2009 at 8:07pm

Ok, I read chapters 8 and 9.
It's validated what I already know. We need help. I've been trying to get my husband to agree to counseling for quite a while. Not only for us, but for our family. We actually went through counseling in our 7th year of marriage. Frankly, we should have continued. So a few years back I got him to agree to go again, but the same therapist was not available to us. So we tried someone new. It wasn't a good fit and it was costly and created a bit of a financial hardship. Now every time I bring it up, my husband rejects the idea, siting financial reasons. The co pay and our 25% is more than we can afford right now on top of our mortgage, utilities and other medical bills, not to mention the cost of gas getting to these places. He's absolutely right and I can't argue. We can't afford it. He always says something like,"If you want to go, then fine! But we'll have to take the money from the food budget!" He knows I can't and won't do that. The food budget is already shoestring thin. Mitch, we have a large family and my husband makes a good living, yet we live from paycheck to paycheck. He pays a large amount out each month in child support for a child he had prior to our relationship. (he has no contact with that child by the way) He handles the finances and he's just not that good about it. That's a whole other issue and for now I won't go into all of that...it's what he calls a rabbit trail. Truth is, we REALLY need help. I have prayed about it and asked the Lord to open a door, but none ever open. I've made phone call after phone call and no one can help us. They say "We're sorry." and another door closes. Our pastor is useless in this case and I can't even get spiritual support from anyone there at our church. I honestly think that my husband knows that if he goes, he'll have to make changes that he doesn't want to make. He feels that we've talked this over and over and never come to a resolution, so what's the point in trying again. (he doesn't like conflict, unless there's a definite fix that he's certain will work. That means no further conflict) Short of someone saying they will take us probono, counseling isn't going to happen. My husband thinks it will work itself out. But it hasn't in all of the years we've been married and he's more bitter than ever. I'm concerned that satan will have the opportunity to get open the door to infidelity again. Communication levels are at an all time low and totally ineffective and he's more bitter than ever.

We can't afford counseling, but we can't afford NOT to go either. It's totally frustrating. A rock and a hard place.

I know I sound negative, even a little hopeless. Not at all like my first post. I still believe everything I wrote up there though. I trust God implicitly and His Word. His grace is the only way I handle all of this. I know His plan is good and even if my marriage fell apart tomorrow, I would be Ok because God is still God. I trust Him to love me and his Word to be a balm for me. I love my husband and I am committed to him and our marriage. Jesus loved me, died for me and forgave me. I can love my husband and forgive him, daily if necessary. It's just been a bad weekend and I'm a little weary. :-)

Thanks for listening. On to chapter 10.

Janet

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Permalink Reply by Janet on March 1, 2009 at 8:27pm

FYI The counseling we went to was christian. I chose only christian counselors who would understand and respect our biblical perspective on marriage.

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Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on March 1, 2009 at 11:44pm

Janet, Dont give up. If the church you attend doesnt offer help, find one who does. Samaratin Counseling Centers are non profits who can help as well as orginizations like Familydynamics.net. Call 1800AFamily for help as well. There are resources out there to help you no matter what your financial situation is. Keep praying and keep trying. Today does not last forever and tomorrow is another opportunity.
Also, please give the Marriage Forum a chance (focusonthefamily.com/marriage). There are people that can help you there while you are looking for counseling help and support.
You will continue to be in my prayers.
Mitch

Janet said:

Ok, I read chapters 8 and 9.
It's validated what I already know. We need help. I've been trying to get my husband to agree to counseling for quite a while. Not only for us, but for our family. We actually went through counseling in our 7th year of marriage. Frankly, we should have continued. So a few years back I got him to agree to go again, but the same therapist was not available to us. So we tried someone new. It wasn't a good fit and it was costly and created a bit of a financial hardship. Now every time I bring it up, my husband rejects the idea, siting financial reasons. The co pay and our 25% is more than we can afford right now on top of our mortgage, utilities and other medical bills, not to mention the cost of gas getting to these places. He's absolutely right and I can't argue. We can't afford it. He always says something like,"If you want to go, then fine! But we'll have to take the money from the food budget!" He knows I can't and won't do that. The food budget is already shoestring thin. Mitch, we have a large family and my husband makes a good living, yet we live from paycheck to paycheck. He pays a large amount out each month in child support for a child he had prior to our relationship. (he has no contact with that child by the way) He handles the finances and he's just not that good about it. That's a whole other issue and for now I won't go into all of that...it's what he calls a rabbit trail. Truth is, we REALLY need help. I have prayed about it and asked the Lord to open a door, but none ever open. I've made phone call after phone call and no one can help us. They say "We're sorry." and another door closes. Our pastor is useless in this case and I can't even get spiritual support from anyone there at our church. I honestly think that my husband knows that if he goes, he'll have to make changes that he doesn't want to make. He feels that we've talked this over and over and never come to a resolution, so what's the point in trying again. (he doesn't like conflict, unless there's a definite fix that he's certain will work. That means no further conflict) Short of someone saying they will take us probono, counseling isn't going to happen. My husband thinks it will work itself out. But it hasn't in all of the years we've been married and he's more bitter than ever. I'm concerned that satan will have the opportunity to get open the door to infidelity again. Communication levels are at an all time low and totally ineffective and he's more bitter than ever.

We can't afford counseling, but we can't afford NOT to go either. It's totally frustrating. A rock and a hard place.

I know I sound negative, even a little hopeless. Not at all like my first post. I still believe everything I wrote up there though. I trust God implicitly and His Word. His grace is the only way I handle all of this. I know His plan is good and even if my marriage fell apart tomorrow, I would be Ok because God is still God. I trust Him to love me and his Word to be a balm for me. I love my husband and I am committed to him and our marriage. Jesus loved me, died for me and forgave me. I can love my husband and forgive him, daily if necessary. It's just been a bad weekend and I'm a little weary. :-)

Thanks for listening. On to chapter 10.

Janet

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Permalink Reply by Janet on March 2, 2009 at 9:38pm

Thanks Mitch.
I'll check out some of those resources.

In better times my husband and I were actually registered to take the training classes to be Family Dynamics faciliators. He angrily backed out at the last minute. We have the books and work books. A year later he suggested it again. His attitude had gotten better and things had improved so much for a period of time, we thought we'd like to help. Now we need the help again.

I made an appointment today to a consult with our original counselor. All he can do is say no to giving us a break in the cost. I know it's about insurance rules etc that dictates what he can and can't do. But it's worth a try. I did already call Focus on the Family's help line a year or so ago. The resources they gave me were still too costly and too far away. On sliding scales, my husband just makes too much money. I'll try Samaritan and see if there's anything nearby.

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Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on March 4, 2009 at 12:04am

Have you considered attending an intensive through Family Dynamics? Call them and discuss. An intensive can help you break through to progress in ways nothing else can. I know the folks there and know they will do everything they can to help you.
Mitch

Janet said:

Thanks Mitch.
I'll check out some of those resources.

In better times my husband and I were actually registered to take the training classes to be Family Dynamics faciliators. He angrily backed out at the last minute. We have the books and work books. A year later he suggested it again. His attitude had gotten better and things had improved so much for a period of time, we thought we'd like to help. Now we need the help again.

I made an appointment today to a consult with our original counselor. All he can do is say no to giving us a break in the cost. I know it's about insurance rules etc that dictates what he can and can't do. But it's worth a try. I did already call Focus on the Family's help line a year or so ago. The resources they gave me were still too costly and too far away. On sliding scales, my husband just makes too much money. I'll try Samaritan and see if there's anything nearby.

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Permalink Reply by Janet on March 4, 2009 at 10:20am

I don't believe I making excuses...for myself anyway. I've read about the intensive with FD. There are hurdles to get past in order to get there though.

A. We have no family or close friends or church members that could come and take care of our 4 children. Those intensives are never close to our home.
B. We simply don't have the money and to be honest, even if we did, I don't know that my husband would agree at this point. His state of mind, well, I'm not sure what it is at this moment. But the money to pay for the intensive and travel and accommodations, no matter how small would be enough of an argument for him.

Simply put, we just really are between a rock and a hard place. My husband's commitment to our marriage and making it better, well, I just don't think it's there. He wants it to be what it used to be, before the kids, before bills, before marriage. He's looking for peace. He wants me to change back. I don't like who I was and frankly, I'll never be that person again because of God's saving grace. With God's help I have grown into a much better person. Not that I can't improve more, but I'll never go backward.

His father is gone, he won't go to mine and he doesn't want to listen to anyone. There's no one to disciple him or mentor him and he wouldn't accept that under most circumstances anyway.

You know Mitch, the resources are out there, if you can pay. I say this with great disappointment, the church ...the body of Christ isn't much help if you aren't dirt poor and/or attending their church. It's become as business as what's available through the world's system.

I keep listening to and getting encouragement a song from the movie Fireproof, "While I'm Waiting". Perhaps that's all I can do. Wait on God. I love my husband and I will keep praying in love for him. I'll keep asking God to change me in the process and make me a better wife and mother. God can do anything he wants. He can open any door he wishes. He hasn't done so, so I will continue to listen to his voice of truth despite how I feel or what it looks like. That sounds courageous and strong. Truth is, I am only managing moment by moment.

My husband is home today from work. He stayed up most of the night, coming to bed for only and hour, or an hour and a half at the most. He got up long enough to wake the kids and went back to bed. SO not like him. He's still in bed as I type this @ 11:30. Tomorrow he works from home and I am off tomorrow as gladly my hours were cut. Now maybe I can focus on doing some things at home that I have probably neglected. My guess is that he will be up till all hours again tonight.

God knows what He's doing. I don't. I trust Him, though it still feels like crud. Hmmm, Jesus IS a miracle. What He endured for us.

Janet

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Permalink Reply by Janet on March 7, 2009 at 9:06pm

Well...
Things got interesting this week.
Tonight I am reading Chapter 10. For me the information in it is confirmation that what I did this week was directed by the Holy Spirit. I had my appointment with "Jim" the counselor. I'd forgotten how reassuring and kind he was. I knew I was in the right place. We talked for a while and it made me feel better that having prior knowledge, he knew something about my husband's present condition. I honestly told him that I might not be back after that appointment. He made a B-line in our conversation to get the maximum out of that one meeting. Since I hadn't told my husband about the meeting, he suggested I do so, not placing the emphasis on "us", rather on me and my need to gain perspective. He said that maybe my husband would move forward with me, simply because I took the first step. I left that appointment glad I'd done it. I needed to talk to someone before I tried to re-engage with my DH. (DH = Dear Husband)

After the kids went to bed (I'm also learning "timing") I asked to talk with DH. It was kind of scary as he showed up ready for a fight. I told him about the appointment and expressed how much I love him and how desperately our marriage and we need the help. He was mostly just angry and immovable. I told him I was considering going again even if he didn't go with me, to which he replied," Go if you want to. If you can afford it with your own money, fine. I don't have the money and if it starts to cost me something...." and he trailed off there.

Jim and I discussed that I'd been doing some very positive things for myself in the last year and he suggested I continue to do them. I agreed. I decided to put the weight loss program on hold though and use my money for my future counseling sessions. I will continue to watch my diet and exercise...I know what to do and really, it's not a bad idea to redirect the weight loss motivation away from myself and toward pleasing God with my food choices. Jim also thought it would be wise to begin thinking about a plan in the even that my DH does not come around. Jim said that does not mean that we can't make this work. It's just wise to plan in the event.

I also considered that the main reason I haven't talked to our pastor is because I was trying to respect my DHs spiritual leadership in our family and do what he wanted and thought was right. I thought I was showing him godly respect. I like to talk things out and he runs from confrontation. I decided that this time, not confronting these things and talking honestly seems to me to be like hiding a dirty little secret. So I called our pastor. I was honest with him about our feelings of not fitting in and their lack of understanding us within the church. I told him what was going on in the marriage and how angry my DH would be if he knew I'd spoken to him about it. Pastor agreed to pray about how to minister my DH. He also will make a special invitation to my DH to attend the men's coffee next weekend. If my DH doesn't respond, he's going to make a personal invitation for the two of them to privately meet to catch up. Again he said he'd pray about how to move forward with DH and that God would bring others to minister to him if necessary.

I also called a friend who was a great support to me. God is good. I called initially because "Jim" thought that since there were so little resources at our own church, I might broaden my base by attending studies or fellowship at another church. I talked to my friend about her church and as I shared with her what was going on presently, she spoke God's word to me. That's exactly the kind of support I need. She prayed with me and promised to pray for me. I don't need people telling me I am right or wrong. I don't need people to feel sorry for me and wipe my tears. I need people to honestly speak God's word into me, believing WITH me. Kind of like Aaron holding Moses arms up during the battle.

Now, in the last night and two days, my husband seems to have adjusted his attitude. I am not quite ready to trust him. He's made some attempts to hold my hand as we sleep at night and he's trying to do little things like picking up something for dinner, do the dishes, etc. Though I appreciate these things, I'm not ready to trust him. I am concerned he wants to prove we don't need counseling. That we can do this by ourselves. After 15 yrs of marriage we haven't been able to fix this, and as different as we are, I don't think it will be that easy. It's a matter of communication and intimacy. Two things he just doesn't know how to do. I don't think he's magically going to "get it". He's tried before and it always goes back to him being frustrated because I don't respond the way he thinks I should. I don't think he has the tools or the know how. For that matter, neither do I.

Thanks Mitch. This is like journaling for me. Only safer.
I was reading your book tonight and was thinking of just offering my husband the "accidental" copy that I ended up with. Not as a "must read", but rather, "I have this and if you feel the like reading it, it's on the book shelf."
Maybe Chapter 10 would help him see that we really do need help.

Have a blessed weekend.

Janet

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