My Marriage in Crisis
My situation is similiar to Cory's. We have been married for 8 years. We have a 13 year old step son and a 20 month old boy. We have been seperated for about a month now. We have seperated 3 times in this marriage, each time she has went to her mothers house. My wife is one of the most Godly women i know. Each day 5am she is reading her bible and doing her devotions. I really admire that in her. I am much like Cory, very rough around the edges, but have improved dramatically since the first seperation. Ive taken much counseling and anger management classes. My wife left this time over an argument about dishes, however, i know, something must have been building and this was just a trigger. The really weird thing, is this is happening every 3 years almost to the month. The second seperation, we had an arguement and i locked myself in our bedroom so as to not let it escalate any further. She took that as me locking her out of my life. And thought i didnt want her anymore, so she left. Now we have a 20month old baby, whom i love very much. I have waited 42 years to get my act together, so my child would not have to go through the broken home i had to as a child. But at this point it doesnt look like that will happen. I asked her what brought this on, and she said its the way i treat her and her stepson. While taking our son out on Halloween, she said to me the following: "you are not going to like this, and i know it will be hard to listen, but our pastor has been preaching about forgiveness, and i have asked God to forgive me for marrying you. I dont believe our marriage was ordained by God, it was more of a convenience, i was a single mother and you had a nice home and career. Needless to say i was shocked. The first thing that came to my mind was our child was not meant to be either. She asked me how i felt about what she said. I said i am sorry you feel that way but i disagree, and left it at that. No anger, no outburst.
Asking God to forgive you for marrying someone, doesnt sit right with me, i can not find any scriptural support for this thinking. God brings people together to be married as one, and he hates divorce. If it was a convenience thing, why would you bring a child into the world, 8 years later. It really doesnt make sense to me.
i have ordered mitches book, and will start to read when i receive it. Last night i chose to rededicate my life to my saviour Jesus Christ. I felt i had backslid and fell away from him after what happened at the church we no longer visit. After we had been attending for 5 years, it was brought out that the pastor was having an affair with the youth pastors wife. I was crushed, disappointed, and hurt. I really loved this pastor. We decided to look for another church and i always found something wrong with each, probably due to the hurt i was still experiencing. This obviously led to me to choose to no longer read my bible as much, start cursing at my stepson, and argue with my wife. She at one point questioned my salvation i recall. Last night i forgave the pastor, and anyone else that has hurt me. I rededicated my life to my saviour, and began to pray again for reconciliation. I do truly love my wife and my family. I miss my son terribly when i do not have him. For 20 months, he was the first thing i have seen each morning. I wake up with him, change him, feed him, and dress him. now i dont have that nor the rest of my family. It really hurts. I had to drop my son off at the sitters this morning, and he was reaching to me and crying, it was very sad. Even though the whole morning was so uplifting.
The last seperation was so difficult, my wife did not speak to me for 3 and a half months. Absolutely no contact. I sold everything i owned except my clothes and the house. She chose to not help at all with anything financially. So i chose to put the house up for sale. The day i received an offer, she called and said she wanted to work things out. She didnt want to be 39 and divorced twice, she loved me and wants to spend her life with me. We attended retrovaille, and then on to a marriage counselor for many months. While attending the counselor, we were still living apart. She asked him when he thought would be a good time for her to move back in. He said im surprised you arent already. So she moved back in, we continued on with counseling. At some point in time, she asked if we needed to continue, i said it was up to her, i will go as long as it takes, for the rest of my life if necesarry. She decided we were good and stopped going.
I think about that alot, if we never stopped, this may have not happened. I do not drink, i do not go out, i do not chase women. I just say the wrong things sometimes. I am sarcastic, sometimes she does the same, so in my mind, i dont think anything is wrong. But obviously they hurt deep inside. After we reconciled the last time, i asked her to promise me if it ever got bad, please grab my hands, set me down and tell me we need help. She claims she did when i brought it up, but i am sure she didnt.
Please pray for us, i do not want satan to claim another of Gods precious bonds......
Views: 85
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on -
Bill, I will pray for you and your wife today. I am so sorry you are going through this. Believe me you are not alone. I will let Cory know you have responded to his post.
Another thing you may look at is a 3 day intensive called New Beginnings (www.savemymarriage.com). Its a Christian baed program. 8 out of 10 couples who attend recommit their marriage to each other and are still together 2 years later. It is similar to retrovialle, but offers a deeper process and additional tools to help turn hearts back toward each other and toward God.
Mitch
-
Permalink Reply by Bill Dailey on -
I have read Mitch's book already, and it has alot of good things and points in it, i could not put it down. My wife is still very bitter and angry. We only have small talk about our 21 month old son and thats about it. I really hope i get a chance to use some of the tools i read about in your book as well as the many others i have read. God is good and i have seen the power of his miracles. Day by Day..........can you attend the the intensive alone?
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
Unfortunately both need to be there. Contact Family Dynamics through 800 number on their website (www.familydynamics.net) and speak to one of their advisors. They are experts at helping you convince your spouse to attend. They have worked with hundreds of couples and helped spouses get their spouse there. 99% of the time its the motivated spouse who calls and take s the first step. Give it a try. Even if she comes and totally convinced it will not change her mind- over 8 out of 10 leave changed.
Mitch
Bill Dailey said:I have read Mitch's book already, and it has alot of good things and points in it, i could not put it down. My wife is still very bitter and angry. We only have small talk about our 21 month old son and thats about it. I really hope i get a chance to use some of the tools i read about in your book as well as the many others i have read. God is good and i have seen the power of his miracles. Day by Day..........can you attend the the intensive alone?
-
Permalink Reply by Cory McDonald on -
Bill,
My wife and I will be praying for you, your wife, your children, and your marriage. As Mitch said you're not alone by along shot. The first thing I would say is God is in the business of reconciliation. I am testament to God's reconciling power. I was the worse of sinners and He graciously wrecked me and rebuilt me in His image. My marriage was in the tank (lack of better terms) there wasn't a separation as my post stated my wife came home and said she wanted a divorce and for the entire time that we were separated I was sure that was exactly what was going to happen, but after I got to the point with Christ that no matter what happened with my marriage I was still going to serve Him in His goodness He reconciled my marriage.
I promise you that God is not in the divorce business, the bible is loaded with scripture that states clearly what God thinks of marriages and divorces, but in scripture God states clearly how husbands are to treat their wives (I failed terribly in this department).
Don't allow the current state of your marriage to get you down. God doesn't like divorce, but you must remember that in marriages you're dealing with two humans who were born into sin. Your marriage can be restored, but remember it didn't get to this point overnight and it won't get reconciled overnight either, but be encouraged in that God is in the reconciling business.
Continue to go to God, follow Christ, read your bible, and one of the most important is find a good biblical church to go to. If you're not comfortable with going to church in person yet there are lots of different churches that have online services. Also, remember that we cannot change anybody else's mind nor control their minds, so we must concentrate on ourselves and what we did to get our marriage to the current state that it is in and work on that part of it.
Mitch knows far more than I ever will about marriages and relationships, so I would highly recommend listening to what he has to say. Mitch's book was the key to my thinking changing, so i would recommend reading it many times over. I would also attend an intensive (something that I wish I would've done even thought my marriage is reconciled).
I will be praying for you brother. Don't give up! Fight for your marriage! If there is anything at all that I can do please don't hesitate to ask and I'll do whatever I can. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.
In His Name,
Cory
-
Permalink Reply by Bill Dailey on
-
Cory McDonald said:Bill,
My wife and I will be praying for you, your wife, your children, and your marriage. As Mitch said you're not alone by along shot. The first thing I would say is God is in the business of reconciliation. I am testament to God's reconciling power. I was the worse of sinners and He graciously wrecked me and rebuilt me in His image. My marriage was in the tank (lack of better terms) there wasn't a separation as my post stated my wife came home and said she wanted a divorce and for the entire time that we were separated I was sure that was exactly what was going to happen, but after I got to the point with Christ that no matter what happened with my marriage I was still going to serve Him in His goodness He reconciled my marriage.
I promise you that God is not in the divorce business, the bible is loaded with scripture that states clearly what God thinks of marriages and divorces, but in scripture God states clearly how husbands are to treat their wives (I failed terribly in this department).
Don't allow the current state of your marriage to get you down. God doesn't like divorce, but you must remember that in marriages you're dealing with two humans who were born into sin. Your marriage can be restored, but remember it didn't get to this point overnight and it won't get reconciled overnight either, but be encouraged in that God is in the reconciling business.
Continue to go to God, follow Christ, read your bible, and one of the most important is find a good biblical church to go to. If you're not comfortable with going to church in person yet there are lots of different churches that have online services. Also, remember that we cannot change anybody else's mind nor control their minds, so we must concentrate on ourselves and what we did to get our marriage to the current state that it is in and work on that part of it.
Mitch knows far more than I ever will about marriages and relationships, so I would highly recommend listening to what he has to say. Mitch's book was the key to my thinking changing, so i would recommend reading it many times over. I would also attend an intensive (something that I wish I would've done even thought my marriage is reconciled).
I will be praying for you brother. Don't give up! Fight for your marriage! If there is anything at all that I can do please don't hesitate to ask and I'll do whatever I can. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.
In His Name,
CoryThanks Cory, we have always attended a biblical teaching church, the holidays were tough, but still praying, praying, praying. No movement yet, although a few weeks ago the baby was sick, when she came over for his speech therapy, i asked her if she wanted to pray for him with me, she said yes, we kneeled down, held hands and prayed over the baby. Stepson also reach out to me this week to play a game with him online, but then backed away very quickly. I had been praying for a breakthrough in my relationship with him as well, and the lord answered...... thanks for your encouragement, let me know if you have any other insite for me......
-
Permalink Reply by Bill Dailey on
-
Hello all, just wanted to check in. We just went over 9 months of seperation. Been through many birthdays, holidays, etc. I have been in therapy for 8 months on a weekly basis, and i am a changed man by the grace of God. My wife now says i am the man shes prayed for all along, but she does not trust me. She doesnt think the change is from my heart. She called not long ago sounding very depressed. She said her heart was heavy because she was going to be divorced soon and thats not where her life should be. About 5 months ago. i really felt god placing on my heart, to be obedient to him. I shared this with her that i am not going to break my covenant with God. No dating, i do not even look at other women. I am not going to let man tear down what God brought together. She was shocked and said she was not going to marry either. Since then i have been at peace, able to sleep at night. She said she was at peace with her decision, but then told me she had to take off work to goto the doctor for sleep meds because she hasnt been sleeping.
I continue to love her and tell her that no matter how she receives it. I told her a few weeks ago, that i love her not matter how many times she reject me, ignores me, or receives it. In the end my sons will be able to say that i loved God and truly loved their mother.
My wife has resorted now to texting to coparent our 2 year old boy. She said its easier because she doesnt know how to handle the NEW man i am. My heart tells me this is not right, to coparent a child via text.
She claims she has surrounded herself with believers, but every one is against her reconciling. Her parents, people at church, her therapist, and friends. This is confusing.
I am not giving up hope, i will wait on Gods timing, and if that means being alone, i will maintain my accountability to God. And i am at peace with that.
Our 9 year anniversary is this Sunday and i am struggling on what to do in the midst of this storm.
Please pray for us. Pray that the Lord speaks to her. She says she is waiting on the Lord to tell her to work on her marriage. I do not believe she will hear this as he has already said to in his word. He would never contradict his word.
Blessings to all
Bill
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
Bill Dailey said:
Hello all, just wanted to check in. We just went over 9 months of seperation. Been through many birthdays, holidays, etc. I have been in therapy for 8 months on a weekly basis, and i am a changed man by the grace of God. My wife now says i am the man shes prayed for all along, but she does not trust me. She doesnt think the change is from my heart. She called not long ago sounding very depressed. She said her heart was heavy because she was going to be divorced soon and thats not where her life should be. About 5 months ago. i really felt god placing on my heart, to be obedient to him. I shared this with her that i am not going to break my covenant with God. No dating, i do not even look at other women. I am not going to let man tear down what God brought together. She was shocked and said she was not going to marry either. Since then i have been at peace, able to sleep at night. She said she was at peace with her decision, but then told me she had to take off work to goto the doctor for sleep meds because she hasnt been sleeping.
I continue to love her and tell her that no matter how she receives it. I told her a few weeks ago, that i love her not matter how many times she reject me, ignores me, or receives it. In the end my sons will be able to say that i loved God and truly loved their mother.
My wife has resorted now to texting to coparent our 2 year old boy. She said its easier because she doesnt know how to handle the NEW man i am. My heart tells me this is not right, to coparent a child via text.
She claims she has surrounded herself with believers, but every one is against her reconciling. Her parents, people at church, her therapist, and friends. This is confusing.
I am not giving up hope, i will wait on Gods timing, and if that means being alone, i will maintain my accountability to God. And i am at peace with that.
Our 9 year anniversary is this Sunday and i am struggling on what to do in the midst of this storm.
Please pray for us. Pray that the Lord speaks to her. She says she is waiting on the Lord to tell her to work on her marriage. I do not believe she will hear this as he has already said to in his word. He would never contradict his word.
Blessings to all
Bill
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
Mitch Temple said: Bill will be praying for you both. God is up to something here. I encourage you to keep posting on the forum. People read what you post when no one responds. There are posts there that provides hope and encouragement for what you are going through. Keep your passion, commitment and keep rebuilding her trust.Mitch
Bill Dailey said:
Hello all, just wanted to check in. We just went over 9 months of seperation. Been through many birthdays, holidays, etc. I have been in therapy for 8 months on a weekly basis, and i am a changed man by the grace of God. My wife now says i am the man shes prayed for all along, but she does not trust me. She doesnt think the change is from my heart. She called not long ago sounding very depressed. She said her heart was heavy because she was going to be divorced soon and thats not where her life should be. About 5 months ago. i really felt god placing on my heart, to be obedient to him. I shared this with her that i am not going to break my covenant with God. No dating, i do not even look at other women. I am not going to let man tear down what God brought together. She was shocked and said she was not going to marry either. Since then i have been at peace, able to sleep at night. She said she was at peace with her decision, but then told me she had to take off work to goto the doctor for sleep meds because she hasnt been sleeping.
I continue to love her and tell her that no matter how she receives it. I told her a few weeks ago, that i love her not matter how many times she reject me, ignores me, or receives it. In the end my sons will be able to say that i loved God and truly loved their mother.
My wife has resorted now to texting to coparent our 2 year old boy. She said its easier because she doesnt know how to handle the NEW man i am. My heart tells me this is not right, to coparent a child via text.
She claims she has surrounded herself with believers, but every one is against her reconciling. Her parents, people at church, her therapist, and friends. This is confusing.
I am not giving up hope, i will wait on Gods timing, and if that means being alone, i will maintain my accountability to God. And i am at peace with that.
Our 9 year anniversary is this Sunday and i am struggling on what to do in the midst of this storm.
Please pray for us. Pray that the Lord speaks to her. She says she is waiting on the Lord to tell her to work on her marriage. I do not believe she will hear this as he has already said to in his word. He would never contradict his word.
Blessings to all
Bill
-
Permalink Reply by Cory McDonald on
-
Bill,
Sorry that I haven't kept up with you! My wife and i continue to pray for you and your wife.
Trust, once broken is really hard to regain. It took me several months to regain my wife's trust because of how I treated her. A marriage isn't broken overnight, so a marriage won't get fixed overnight, but I assure you if both people look to God and follow Him it will be fixed.
I encourage you to continue to fight for your marriage, but also concentrate on God and trust that no matter what happens He is good. Get to a point where no matter what happens you will continue to follow and serve Him.
God will speak to your wife and if she is listening she will hear Him. My wife was certain that God was telling her to divorce me and when I thought there was no outcome other than the divorce God spoke to my wife and told her that He wanted her to work on our marriage. My wife was listening and even though she didn't want to work on our marriage at all she listened, so I promise you if your wife is listening God will speak to her. Stay positive brother! God is at work in your marriage!!
You're right that God would never contradict His Word, but if a person is hurt it takes time for that hurt to be healed enough to want to work on a marriage. Remember that your wife is hurt and it's going to take time for that hurt to start to heal.
I would recommend re-reading Mitch's book. Although my marriage is great now I have read Mitch's book 6 times since my marriage was reconciled and have started reading it a 7th time and I have learned something new every time. Also, stay in God's Word, trust God, and serve Him.
My wife and I continue to pray for you both. Thanks for the update and I hope to hear from you again soon.
In Him,
Cory
-
Permalink Reply by Mitch Temple on
-
I am praying for you Bill. Corey is a great example of what God can do through brokenness and when things look absolutely hopeless. God often does his best work during complete darkness and chaos as he did at Creation. He knows what he is doing.
Mitch
-
Permalink Reply by Bill Dailey on
-
Cory and Mitch, Thank you for your encouragement. She has shared that she is praying, but also said shes not saying her hearing God isnt being clouded by all the negative seeds being planted in her sould by the "believers" she has surrounded herself with. I continue to pray and be kind, loving, humble, and patient, when i am in contact with her. Our anniversary is Sunday, i have been struggling all week. I keep hearing God saying to be still. This is difficult but i will obey him always. It just hurts me to hear all these negative stats and worldly views on marriage now.......
Thank you both once again, and i will be praying for you both as well as your families. I have my 2 year old son for the next 3 weeks. I am looking forward but empathize with my wife that she will miss him during this time....
Blessings,Bill
-
Permalink Reply by Bill Dailey on
-
Having a blessed time with my son. My wife called a few days ago to hear the baby's voice. I sensed so much sadness in her voice and spirit. I asked if she needed anything and she said no she is fine. I asked if she thought my stepson would be interested in going gokarting with his brother and I. She said she would have him call me. He did and accepted. We had a wonderful time together, the three of us. I havent heard from either of them since. I feel really sorry as i know she misses the baby. I am still standing firm, reading Mitches book again also The power of a praying husband. Just received Sacred Marriage, what a powerful book. What if God created marriage not for our happiness, but for our holiness. Mitch, if you have anything for me, please let me know....
Blessings and Love to all,
Bill
Watch Video- Mitch Speaking on The Marriage Turnaround
© 2012 Created by Mitch Temple.
Powered by
